Mark somehow already wrote his article about draining the swamp, which was previously only mentioned before being derailed by alligator attacks and Raccoon Shows. Sue is clueless as to why a nature conversationalist would want to conserve nature and wants Mark to explain it to her in more personal terms. That means that she wants to do it on the beach amongst the talking gulls.

Not only does Sue pump up Mark's infantile ego, she proposes a trip to the beach, promising a scene not seen since the hayday of the Victorian beach party. Sue may not make it though: Mark's sheer radiance is scrambling her face. I shudder to think of the destructive capabilities of a radioactive Mark Trail and can only imagine what the poor creature next to him must be feeling.

Probably a craving for a Baby Ruth.

Sweet Jesus this is a talky strip. Mark, thinking that all women are succubi, races to the conclusion that Sue wants to bump uglies with Mark, which, as fate would have it, is true. Fate also dictates that at any given time, two people on the internet are Googling for information on each other, so Sue has inevitably seen the Wikipedia article on Mark, and Mark has seen the...uhh...Many Miles Away Post-Gazette Times-Forum article about the Wal-Mart she built six years ago on an Indian burial ground?

Thusly, we are now locked in an arms race. Either Mark knocks Sue's block off with a Right Fist 'O Justice, or Sue gets all Joan Crawford on Mark in her quiet, secluded place in the the forest she's only been in once.

Place your bets.

Super Long Catch-Up Post

I know, I know. This blog has gone sorely ignored lately. I'm sorry. Schoolwork and politics distracted me from my love of mocking comics. If you don't forgive me, I understand.

While I was away though, things in Many Miles Away have taken a zillion turns for the awesome. While the crocodile has been handily defeated and turned into boots, more problems have manifested that ensure that poor Cherry will be making pancakes for one for the time being. Let's hit the trail...

10/14/08

Hockey Midget really liked Sue, the evil, nefarious woman in charge of the development company that's killing everything around her. That's not a shock - women tend to like other women who like killing everything precious on this earth. Mark likes her too, but in a strictly platonic way. The other kind of like can never be, for that kind of like implies love, and by love I mean love, and love is icky and gross.

8/15/08

But then again, Sue is sooooooooo sexy in her white tank top and pajama pants. It will be hard for Mark to resist her allure. Charlie, whom it obviously sucks to be, is stuck kicking plants in a fury because Sue will not return his love. Then again, their kind of love can never be, mostly because the mustache ride went out of style in '79.

10/16/08
Nothing says "a little fun" like having your dog fight potentially rabid wild animals. Nothing says "town full of inbred hicks" quite like a game of this nature being advertised so blatantly at the local post office.

10/17/08
Those are the best rules for animal vs. animal fighting ever. Dog vs. Raccoon, with the raccoon chained to a log in the river, first animal to drown loses? Sounds like a freakin' spectacle!

Come and watch a wild animal DOOMED to die when a lucky hound dog chosen from the live audience falls off and sends the log rolling! Then, after the show, catch a concert and flaming crossbow demonstration from legendary rocker, Ted Nugent! Tickets are just five bucks!

10/18/08
Why yes Mark, there is a law against that sort of thing, but no less an authority than the United States Post Office is turning a blind eye! They're even advertising and providing books of Forever stamps to the victors!

Pop doesn't know anything about it except for that it happens. If Mark wanted information on the event, he could have just looked at the poster. Or, maybe, Pop is playing ignorant to hide the fact that he's been training Sneaky to be the Riki Tiki Tavi of the Raccoon Contest universe.

10/20/08
Mark Trail is so offended about the Raccoon Contest that he's going to go to it. No worries though, he's only taking $20. Don't want to lose your perfectly pressed, double pocketed khaki shirt over something as stupid as betting on a chained raccoon to drown a dog.

Meanwhile, Mark multitasks on an old IBM Thinkpad. Via the power of Google, he'll have figured out that Sue is the culprit six or seven strips from now!

10/21/08
Sneaky prepares for the Raccoon Contest by humping Andy into submission. Meanwhile, Sue Butler is going to begin her campagin to seduce Mark while Mark limp noodles his way through adulthood. Somewhere in this mess, right fists o' justice will be meted out.

It couldn't be any more obvious, Mark. That's not an everyday question, and your paths wouldn't cross again otherwise. Just punch her already.

Mark Trail seriously just tried to James Bond his way into that woman's pantsuit. Sadly, she knows that name, even though it never came up in conversation. Sadly, we're about to endure a week of lecture, wherein this chick will learn the error of her ways and change her mind, It's a Wonderful Life style.

Every time Mark Trail devolves into lecture mode, an Angel gets its wings torn out, shortly before being beaten with a ball bat.

How cute! That coon is stealing things!

What?

Judging from the worn out expression on Andy's face, my guess is that he and Sneaky are a bit more than "good friends."

I just hope Mark still thinks it's cute when his best friend gets rabies.

Yes, Mark, I suppose that having an alligator up your ass would really shake one up, even to the point where they magically grow a mustache, even if the alligator in question was so weak that poking it with a stick made it run away in fear.

Poor Sue doesn't know what's coming at Pop's place.

What in the hell is a "monster-get," and how in the hell is Mark Trail stopping it with a dead, brittle, dried out branch?

I wonder what snaps first: The branch, or Mark's sense of mercy when Sue lets slip that she's the one draining the wetland.

I refuse to believe that the same alligator from Friday is the one in panel one. Look at it: She's so cute! She's even smiling!

That one in panel two is totally plausible. It's so fully grown and vicious looking that it can speak in large yellow letters. This alligator, Sue, alerts Mark to the fact that the wetland draining cube dweller has entered the once wet wetland, and oh boy is it on!

My prediction: Alligator/Trail vs. Evil Nefarious Person in a no holds barred handicap match tomorrow through Friday. The alligator will get some good licks in, but the woman's pink suit will prove too much, and it'll be up to Mark (and his fist) to win. Funeral on Saturday, snerts on Sunday, Pancakes with Pop, Hockey Mulleted Seed of Chucky, and Sneaky on Monday.

My feeble mind cannot wrap itself around this superior plot twist in what was once merely a story about a few puddles and a thieving raccoon.

What was yesterday thought to be Mark Trail ready to deliver a devastating discourse on the dangers of draining dank, damp wetlands turns out to be a big motherfucking ALLIGATOR, and man is that sonofabitch huge! Luckily, our hapless and nefarious business woman wore heels to her land grab and has fallen! There's nary a mustachioed manservant to take the alligator's bite for her!

It's fine though. Afterall, there's a khaki-clad, forever 32 year old young man out there ready to jump into frame to wrestle alligators at a moments notice. What's that you say? He's not available? Where is he? Looking at some lame old geese with some geezer. Oh well...life can't all be fun and-OHSHITHE'SRIGHTBEHINDYOU!

That wetland may be worthless, but that won't stop the forest animals from pleading for their land Mark Trail from punching your lights out before Sneaky steals your purse.

The Wrath of Charles

Man oh man, that potted plant totally EATS Charlie's foot. Could this be a vicious counterblow to Charlie's upcoming Right Fist 'O Justice?

Meanwhile, That Woman contemplates the miseries of being a woman in business. First, there's no time to fawn over men with 70's porn mustaches and a penchant for pot kicking. Second...well...that's really it. Woe is her.

Plight of the Migrating Geese

9/29/08

In an existential crisis, one goose realizes that he has the ability to speak and makes use of his talent to narrate his flock's journey, which will result in his narrating a mildly successful nature film by Kelly Welly called Plight of the Migrating Geese where most of the footage of the geese will be lost in favor of fake horse stampedes and rockslides.

Mark Trail and Pop have no choice but to stand in awe of that miraculous beast.

9/30/08
Dude, that chick is pissed. She has a point though: They own the land. If Pop and co. be squatters on her property, the government would likely be more concerned about removing them than they are about a few thieving raccoons and dead trees.


10/1/08
Charles is a bitch. He just got swaggerjacked on an obscene level.