Both Cherry and Kelly wish that Mark were with them, because nothing says "good times" quite like a sexually repressed 32 year old man with huge hands, an affinity for punching things that scare/anger him, and a fear of genitals.

Still, everybody there is a whimp because they refuse to be mauled to death by a lion, a moose, or a chipmunk. Moss looks non-plusseddrunk as Kelly declares her intent to take a picture of the valley, which is a sure prelude to her committing suicide/being pushed off the edge by a friendly bear.

I would make some sort of "Buck Rogers" joke or point out how Cherry never actually stipulated a damn thing to Ms. Welly, or that Kelly is second best to Mark himself because they're the only two photographers in the strip, but I can't because Kelly's hotness is blinding me in panel two.

Those uneven eyebrows, that third, counterclockwise "~" brow, the slight mustache, and the haircut that my high school science teacher had, not to mention the ascot and her loose ways...she may be to risky for Buck Roger, but I'm all hers.

Kelly's evil plan to take a lot of pictures of wild animals eating human food is crumbling. Her vagina and ascot doesn't have the same pull that it used to, because Moss Green works for Cherry, and Cherry alone. As for Cherry? She's been pissed since Thursday, when she discovered that Kelly was feeding her bacon to a mountain lion. The fact that the lion jumped at her may also lend to her frustration with Kelly, and hell, Kelly's vag probably had no pull over Cherry to begin with...she's likely never seen one.

That leaves Roger. Sweet, duffle bag hefting Roger, who loves animals. He is working for Kelly, and for money, so he very likely has no choice in the matter. Kelly wants to take lots of pictures goddamn it, and Roger is going to be forced into staying untill the bitter end - likely at the jaws of one of the creatures Kelly is shooting.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Kelly Welly will be damned if that slab of bacon goes to waste.

According to Moss, all animals are old. However, the lion's advanced age seems to have given it the ability to speak and think rationally, because its plan is working.

The "food chest" being open can only mean one thing, and it's not that Moss Green is stoned and wants a snack, or that Kelly wants to make a delicious breakfast for her campmates, oh no. It means that the nature photographer is out there taking pictures of nature stalking man's food, because a lion eating a slab of bacon is a compelling picture.

In the campground, the nearby campground
the lion stalks tonight.
It smells bacon, delicious bacon
the lion stalks tonight.
Cherry's got questions, poorly punctuated questions
the lion stalks tonight.
Curse that Kelly, decietful Welly
the lion stalks tonight.
She's got bacon, that off-tan bacon
the lion stalks tonight.
She just wants pictures, the lion's picture
but it just wants a bite.

There's absolutely nothing more impressive than pictures of an animal eating intentionally placed human food. Kelly will win the award for best nature photographer without question.

Kelly Welly fiendishly intends to make breakfast!

The ascot must be tied a little too tight around Kelly's neck, because she only got one picture of the moose chasing Roger. However, it was fabulous! Cherry points out how fucking stupid Kelly is, which gets a false reply, since a horse was hurt, Moss Green wound up on his ass, and Roger was nearly killed.

One measly photograph. Look at that camera...I'm surprised she got one at all.

Roger is seconds away from being pounced upon by a rampaging old moose when Cherry finally thinks to shoot her gun into the air. The sheer improbability of a woman firing a gun causes it to make the wrong noise (bullets go "bang, bang;" fists go "wham"), which then rips a minor hole in the space time continuum. The result of this hole is three fold: Roger teleported to the other side of the pond, the moose is having a heart attack, and Mark is waiting for The Dark Knight to start, flanked by hot bitches.

Cherry has a gun! She probably doesn't know how to use it! This time tomorrow...Roger will likely be dead.

Kelly will likely reanimate him as her zombie slave.

Absolutely nothing in last week's strips indicated that the moose Roger is crazily waving his denim jacket (HOW KEWL!!) at is "old." It doesn't have a grey beard, a cane, some needlework, or old war stories...it's just drinking water. Roger the Beak-eared gets what's coming to him then, when the "old" moose closes the distance between her and him instantly as the plot needs it.

The moose also happens to be a kind of reverse Kool-Aid Man. It could have ran away from Roger yelling "OH YEAH," much like KAM yells when he bursts through walls with pitchers full of his precious bodily fluids, but instead it runs toward Roger yelling "OH NO!" A moose this culturally in tune can't possibly be old.

Roger is afraid of the moose, but that won't stop him from waving a giant paper airplane his way, not so long as Kelly Welly is unmanning him in front of other men, sexual partners, and beavers.

My guess is that, come Monday, we're going to have a drastic moose vs. beaver battle.

Kelly Welly knows how dangerous moose tend to be, even pygmy-sized moose, and she wants none of the rape that's coming to whoever disturbs it. However, one must take risks in the animal photography biz, so off Roger goes to his pussywhipped death.

That thing from yesterday is, apparently, a moose. Rocky isn't around to confirm, so I'm going to have to assume that Jack Elrod is on crack. Tomorrow, Kelly will throw firecrackers at the moose, which will somehow start a wildebeast stampede that'll kill MufasaMoss Green, but she'll drop her camera and it'll be all for naught. Part of me wishes that this were winter so that Kelly's bold declaration of "LOOK, A MOOSE!" was met with something more than disaproving looks...namely a 100 ton torrent of white, crushing snow. Take pictures of that, you awful bitch.

Kelly unsucessfully attempts to bribe the now clean shaven Moss Green with the promise of a "big bonus," which is, no doubt, her vagina. Moss, who is now sober enough to shave, realizes that without beer goggles, Kelly looks like the sort of chick who was tied up in a burlap bag and thrown to the mountain lions.

Speaking of mountain lions, why are they the only animal Kelly wants to get a picture of? Are they the only animal? I understand wanting a picture of a horse bucking a bum off its back, but really, you've seen one Ranger Rick mountain lion cover, you've seen them all. Kelly is missing out on so many other great animals, that camel/bear hybrid in the lake for example, that I'm beginning to doubt her skills as a photographer or a person with eyesight.

Gah! Mark Trail! In his own strip! Extolling patience during this extremely long, drawn out, boring storyline! Mark! Don't leave! Punch Rusty, punch the dog, just please, please don't leave.

Also: Why is Roger such a fucking bitch?

7/5/08


What looked like an awful, boring strip on Saturday is secretly an awful, boring strip...with foreshadowing!

7/7/08


Moss Green needs a bit more liquid courage before he's willing to take pictures of the regal mountain lion, a beast so mysterious and strange that Kelly Welly is excited to hear of its existance on a mountain.

I suspect that it will be Kelly Welly receiving the Right Fist 'O Justice by the end of this arc. Between her awful grammar and threats and unruly eyebrows, she's just begging for a beatdown. Methinks that the line in the sand will be drawn when Kelly shoots Moss Green's horse out from under him, pours a bottle of vodka down his throat, and takes pictures of Moss the drunken Caucasian American Indian.

Everybody is about to be crushed by that huge...uhh...thing, so I highly doubt that the horses fracture matters, Moss.

Kelly's filming in panel two leads me to believe that Roger is standing somewhere off-panel with a boombox playing some slow 70's grooves. Moss is more into the hooch than whatever pie Cherry might be serving, so it's a no go on the porn front.

I bet that Kelly blames Moss Green's fall on firewater. He certainly looks like a drunk. It'll go like this:

Kelly Welly: Have you been having a drinkie, my little Native American guidesman?

Roger: Tee-hee!

Cherry Trail: What an awful sterotype!

(Cherry goes back to fixing dinner.)

Moss Green: Fuck you. Fuck the three of you. I'm white! I didn't ask to be called Moss, it just happened, you know? It's no better or worse than "Cherry" or "Roger without a last name" or "Kelly Welly."

Kelly Welly: I like my name!

(A shot of a big horned elk)

Big Horned Elk: Your name is fucking stupid.

(Kelly begins to cry like a woman, which suits her character because she's a woman.)

Moss Green: I'm out of here. You people don't pay me enough to put up with this shit.

(Cherry looks up from her dinner.)

Cherry Trail: Hmm? What will you do?

Moss Green: Buy me a handle of hooch and hope that you assholes die. Have a great one.

(Cherry goes back to making dinner.)

Kelly Welly: Can I help with that?

Cherry Trail: Sure, then we can both have Roger's baby.

Then would follow a month long storyline about the merits of adultery. Cherry is a woman and Roger is a man and Mark is way out in the forest somewhere and what with all those eggs going to waste, it just seems proper, you know?