9/15/08


Those poor animals literally have no water left. None. Like, if those two ducks took a sip from that puddle, there'd be no more water. You'd think that in a circumstance like that, the plants in the surrounding area would be a lot less marsh-y, but then, maybe they're the problem.

Yeah! Those damn plants, sucking up all of our water and CO2, and for what? So that they can go AWOL and take even more water, like some water destroying Audrey II? No! Hell no! Mark...lay waste to those plants with your fists!

9/16/08


Or plot to save them, you fucking traitor. Sure, pod-grandparent seems awfully convincing, what with his promises of animals saved and people grateful, but he consorts with garbage eating coons!

Besides, Mark, what are you going to do...punch through to the water table?

Hmmm...

9/17/08


Mark Trail carries out an entire conversation with himself until Doctor Davis interrupts. As punishment, Doctor Davis will be locked in a small, pink doghouse until Mark returns from his wetland adventure.

9/18/08


Which he's never going to go on because he's suddenly interested in Cherry's feelings. Honestly, Mark, when did you become so soft? Were you going to not go if Cherry minded?

Grow a pair, Mark Trail. The next time I see you, you'd better be dumping Cherry's limp body in the wetlands and finding a place to bury a bloody hatchet.

Every time Mark Trail does his job, Bambi dies in the arms of a child from Many Miles Away. Needless to say, Mark enjoys his job.

Of course Rusty is fine with coming back early. Look at him: gaunt, weary, wafer thin. Mark Trail clearly forgot to feed him. Still, we all learned a valuable lesson. Stay away from Kelly Welly. She's got VD. It's about time Rusty and Mark were taught about the birds and the bees.

8/15/08Clearly, Kelly and Cherry will be saved from their grisly fate if their "move back slowly and talk very loudly" strategy pays off.

8/16/08
Doc Davis is worried about his daughter, sure, but he really wants to know where the hell his horse is. They weren't to be let free from his "Imagination Station," where his "experiments" take place. He can find another woman, but without the horse, his hybrid breeding experiments are in peril.

8/18/08
Mark and Doc Davis talk like real people, and Roger just now notices that his boss and Cherry are gone. Where the hell was he this whole time?

8/19/08
Moss Green really doesn't want to check up on the women.

8/20/08
Mark Trail, surprisingly enough, is concerned about his wife.

The agreement was that Kelly could shoot a nature film of animals locked in cages at Lost Forrest, not that Kelly could drag the good Doctor Davis and Cherry Trail out into the mountains. Nevertheless, Cherry wants to prove that she too can walk on narrow trails, kick rocks to the side, and identify dangerous animals like the beaver/Jabba the Hutt hybrid in panel two.

Godspeed.

Stop me if you've heard this one before...

Absolutely nothing goes on in today's strip, other than another subtle jab at women. "Oh! Packing bags and preparing food sounds like a bucket of fun!" I hope Kelly is appeased with Cherry's offering: A bowl of ice.

There is a rather amusing visual gag in panel two: A bison, a billy goat, and a polar bear walk into a bar. The bison and the billy goat slip a mickey into the bear's drink, and a few months later, out pops the monstrosity above.

Rape: It's only funny in the animal kingdom.

Cursed Welly!

Turns out that Dr. Davis really does fancy himself an old, puckered Victor Von Doom. Kelly, not being a female, puckered Reed Richards, fails to see that the old man is clearly sending her off to die in the mountains like a deformed Spartan child, because she thinks that it's a FANTASTIC idea. Meanwhile, we see that deer and moose go together much like ebony and ivory, living in perfect harmony, like the keys on my piano. This is heartwarming, but after three strips of Kelly in the mountains, she'll wind up pissing off a moose or something and Mark will have to show up and give it a right fist to save her ass, and then we'll be off to a different, more exciting, less pornographic storyline.

Some Action Shots

Doc Davis hasn't been paying attention for the last week, so he has absolutely no clue what Kelly Welly is up to. He thought she just didn't like the arrangement of his living room, but now she's got a video camera and Roger is naked and...oh sweet Lord! She's taken the does (the deer, the female deer) out of their pen for "action shots!"

Doctor Davis also appears to be a Doctor in much the same sense that Doctor Doom is, keeping animals that should rightfully be running wind around Lost Forrest hoping to be panel two's featured animal in easily escapable situations (those deer could have easily jumped the fence) until he's ready to preform sinister experiments on them. Kelly Welly, as their liberator, has just signed her death warrant in animal blood. I fully expect Doc Davis to don a metal mask, clench his fists, and scream "CURSED WELLY!" by the end of this storyline.

Porn ready?

From now until three weeks from now, we'll be subject to Kelly Welly's sinister feng shui home decorum stylings, which is scary to Doc Davis because he can't pronounce "feng shui" and nearly lost an eye to the man in black pajamas back in 'Nam, so he hates the Asians and how they arrange their furniture.

Cherry reminds her dad that they're powerless to Kelly's tyrannic whims because she's paying, so the mattress chair thing is auf'd to Doc Davis's disdain. Powerless to a woman?!? That kind of humiliation isn't worth all the money in the world.

Cherry's despair is lessened a bit, maybe, by Roger. I think his name is Roger. He has a pencil thin mustache, so he's not quite porn-ready, but Cherry's Jew-fro wasn't exactly made for the screen, either. Cherry whips up a delicious batch of ice for the film crew and reminds us that Mark already told her how stupid Cherry was for inviting Kelly into their home. Mark, by virtue of having a penis, is automatically correct.

Friday the 13th

It looks like some kind of unspeakable, evil horror has been visited upon Doc Davis since yesterday, when really, all that is happening is Kelly Welly suggesting that Lost Forrest be spruced up to look more modern. It's essential that pornography look modern, because otherwise it'd be impossible to buy the rugged, ancient veterinarian bringing his "lovely" assistant home and showing her a good time unless it were happening in a modern setting, like a cabin in the middle of a lost forest that has some plush couches, maybe a bear skin rug, and a lava lamp.

The thought of coming out of the 1950's is terrifying for the Davis crew. Cherry, I must say, is doing a spectacular job of handing things by herself, in that she's silent and off to the side while Kelly conducts business with the man of the house.

Talking trees

I don't like where this is going. I'm all for a little bit of filmed girl on girl, even if it's essentialy GILF porn, and I'm not opposed to Cherry's dad getting in on the action, even if it's incestuous and turns the movie into BPILF porn (that's Biblical Person I'd Like to Fuck. Dibs on the Whore of Babylon). What irks me is that Kelly Welly has next to zero creativity about all this.

A scientist porn? Really? So Doc Davis (who is a vet, which, while called "science," doesn't count) will be looking at a beaker when Cherry comes in and starts going down on him? They'd better buck the trend usually established by the science porn and shout things of a sciency nature. "Oh yeah, Cherry. Suck my string theory." That line would work, because a fameous person once said that sex when old is like shooting pool with a rope, and a rope is like a bunch of strings (only not), and one of the two women is loose enough to fit a pool ball in her vagina (I'm guessing Kelly).

The only thing that can save this flick is if the Ent with multiple personality disorder gets a crack.

I suppose that Cherry Trail is considered by both husband and father to be the ditzy, stupid type who shouldn't even be trusted to just sit around and shoot the shit with a fellow nature lover.

I see Mark and Cherry's dad's point though: Kelly Welly is a free, liberated woman, and inviting one of those into the house will cause a sort of domino effect. First, Cherry's innocence will be stolen, then her sense of decency, then her virginity, and the next thing you know, she'll want to have sex with Mark, which will likely be the end of the relationship.

Kelly Welly is thusly some sort of Crimson Menace, not unlike the menstrual cycle, which is obvious from Cherry's bitchy demeanor whenever she is brought up. Still though, while we were looking at a picture of pretty deer, Cherry's dad must have talkedsmacked some sense into his daughter. By panel three, she's back where she belongs: In the kitchen, cooking.