9/15/08


Those poor animals literally have no water left. None. Like, if those two ducks took a sip from that puddle, there'd be no more water. You'd think that in a circumstance like that, the plants in the surrounding area would be a lot less marsh-y, but then, maybe they're the problem.

Yeah! Those damn plants, sucking up all of our water and CO2, and for what? So that they can go AWOL and take even more water, like some water destroying Audrey II? No! Hell no! Mark...lay waste to those plants with your fists!

9/16/08


Or plot to save them, you fucking traitor. Sure, pod-grandparent seems awfully convincing, what with his promises of animals saved and people grateful, but he consorts with garbage eating coons!

Besides, Mark, what are you going to do...punch through to the water table?

Hmmm...

9/17/08


Mark Trail carries out an entire conversation with himself until Doctor Davis interrupts. As punishment, Doctor Davis will be locked in a small, pink doghouse until Mark returns from his wetland adventure.

9/18/08


Which he's never going to go on because he's suddenly interested in Cherry's feelings. Honestly, Mark, when did you become so soft? Were you going to not go if Cherry minded?

Grow a pair, Mark Trail. The next time I see you, you'd better be dumping Cherry's limp body in the wetlands and finding a place to bury a bloody hatchet.

With that spit curl and the ability to hear a man's voice just before it reaches the earpiece of his phone (not to mention the Right Fist O' Justice), Mark Trail must be an alter ego of Superman.

If that's the case, I certainly understand why he'd cheat on Lois Lane (a little bit of super sperm goes a long way), but why do it with some frump with a Jerri curl when there's all kinds of extraterrestrial poon that Lois will never hear about?

Every time Mark Trail does his job, Bambi dies in the arms of a child from Many Miles Away. Needless to say, Mark enjoys his job.

Of course Rusty is fine with coming back early. Look at him: gaunt, weary, wafer thin. Mark Trail clearly forgot to feed him. Still, we all learned a valuable lesson. Stay away from Kelly Welly. She's got VD. It's about time Rusty and Mark were taught about the birds and the bees.

And the story line ends (please tell me it ended) with a few more lines about Kelly sleeping with Mark on camera. Big shock.

Look at that sexy car!

Really, the nerve of that woman to want to continue to work in such a dangerous environment after an accident that saw nothing happen! She should be in the kitchen this instant, baking forgiveness pies.

Kelly Welly, grateful for her rescue, starts to suck on Mark's face. And I mean she sucks face. Look at that...poor Mark is like a long strand of spaghetti, waiting to be devoured between the lips of a known adulteress. Mark has no idea how to respond, either. Kissing is his Kryptonite! Cherry's mood ring material shirt tells the score though - she's so pissed that it goes from red to blue.

Kelly Welly is about to be mauled by a mountain lion, making for the greatest comic strip moment ever.

The trauma of being holed up in a cave has finally caught up with Kelly, who has gone blind and delusional. Cherry lets her know the score (the mountain lions are winning), and figures that the best plan of attack is to just surrender, magically producing a surrender stick the likes of which hasn't been seen since the Battle of San Juan Hill.

Of course Roger and Moss can't find the entrance: The cave is blocked because of a landslide, you dolts.

Moss Green doesn't remember that mountain being there the last time he was in the mountains, and, as such, stumbles upon Kelly Welly and Cherry Trail, who are still yelling like the mountain lions trapped in the cave with them are hard of hearing.

Cherry Trail, expert on animal behavior, is convinced that pleading with the lion cub will make it go away.

Nothing says "Mark Trail" quite like a lioness talking in the third person.

That opening narration box sounds like a summer blockbuster movie trailer.

"In a world where two women are trapped between a lioness and a hard place, one man must save them. Lust. Passion. Bestiality. Two women, torn between the man they both love and the lion who wants to fuck them. Lesbian overtones. Cannibalism. Cute, cuddly lion cubs. Mark Wahlberg is Mark Trail...but is he too late?"

8/15/08Clearly, Kelly and Cherry will be saved from their grisly fate if their "move back slowly and talk very loudly" strategy pays off.

8/16/08
Doc Davis is worried about his daughter, sure, but he really wants to know where the hell his horse is. They weren't to be let free from his "Imagination Station," where his "experiments" take place. He can find another woman, but without the horse, his hybrid breeding experiments are in peril.

8/18/08
Mark and Doc Davis talk like real people, and Roger just now notices that his boss and Cherry are gone. Where the hell was he this whole time?

8/19/08
Moss Green really doesn't want to check up on the women.

8/20/08
Mark Trail, surprisingly enough, is concerned about his wife.

Cherry and Kelly had better strike a friendship with those cubs fast, because there's no chance that they can light the lioness on fire with a match, a dry stick, or even fire breath.

Mark Trail of Tears

It's been two weeks since an update. Two weeks. I'm kicking myself for being lazy, but I had no internet in New York and no real desire to blog right afterward. Now I get to run through all of the Mark Trail I've missed in the last two weeks, because I'm a swell kinda guy...the kinda swell that mocks American Indians, I guess.

8/1/08

Mark was just commenting on how stupid his wife, Kelly, and all women are when, out of freakin' nowhere, a horse appears. Mark can't believe it, so he goes to investigate with his skillet of bacon, which doubles as a dandy murder weapon in case the horse is really a monster.

8/2/08

Mark is woefully in the dark about the events of the past few months, because all he's going to find at home is an angry old man drinking beer with a shotgun on his lap, sweating about the fate of his daughter.

8/4/08

A recap, then Moss Green admitting that he's not fast enough to keep up with Kelly. Big shock. Panel three is awesome though, this totally dejected look like Moss and Kelly slept together but he couldn't get the job done, so, as soon as he was asleep, she was gone.

8/5/08

The wind is getting stronger. The horse thinks that the rocks could be dangerous. Kelly's horse has been tied to a huge chain of sasuage links. This means one thing: Kelly is climbing higher.

8/6/08

The valley below the mountain is of the opinion that it is safer down there.

8/7/08

Kelly and Cherry are pretty much fucked, while the lion leads her cubs to shelter. Perhaps the two parties will join together in a bid for survival, with each learning about the other as their struggle goes on?

8/8/08

That's what she said.

8/9/08

The rock slide found Cherry and Kelly's hiding place just in time. Now all they've got to do is block them inside and seal them away from society forever!

8/11/08

There's plenty of space to crawl between, and hell, some of those rocks look easy to push out of the way. Kelly just doesn't feel like putting any effort into her rescue.

8/12/08

The mountain hopes that it didn't kill the horses. Kelly points out that they won't know unless the mountain frees them from its cave.

8/13/08
Moss Green is getting stoned rather than looking for Cherry and Kelly. I like how "Buck" Roger is pretty much an afterthought, even though he's Kelly's right hand man.

Both Cherry and Kelly wish that Mark were with them, because nothing says "good times" quite like a sexually repressed 32 year old man with huge hands, an affinity for punching things that scare/anger him, and a fear of genitals.

Still, everybody there is a whimp because they refuse to be mauled to death by a lion, a moose, or a chipmunk. Moss looks non-plusseddrunk as Kelly declares her intent to take a picture of the valley, which is a sure prelude to her committing suicide/being pushed off the edge by a friendly bear.

I would make some sort of "Buck Rogers" joke or point out how Cherry never actually stipulated a damn thing to Ms. Welly, or that Kelly is second best to Mark himself because they're the only two photographers in the strip, but I can't because Kelly's hotness is blinding me in panel two.

Those uneven eyebrows, that third, counterclockwise "~" brow, the slight mustache, and the haircut that my high school science teacher had, not to mention the ascot and her loose ways...she may be to risky for Buck Roger, but I'm all hers.

Kelly's evil plan to take a lot of pictures of wild animals eating human food is crumbling. Her vagina and ascot doesn't have the same pull that it used to, because Moss Green works for Cherry, and Cherry alone. As for Cherry? She's been pissed since Thursday, when she discovered that Kelly was feeding her bacon to a mountain lion. The fact that the lion jumped at her may also lend to her frustration with Kelly, and hell, Kelly's vag probably had no pull over Cherry to begin with...she's likely never seen one.

That leaves Roger. Sweet, duffle bag hefting Roger, who loves animals. He is working for Kelly, and for money, so he very likely has no choice in the matter. Kelly wants to take lots of pictures goddamn it, and Roger is going to be forced into staying untill the bitter end - likely at the jaws of one of the creatures Kelly is shooting.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Kelly Welly will be damned if that slab of bacon goes to waste.