Right Blog 'O Justice

2008-11-13T23:18:00.004-05:00

11/12/08
Wait, so the Raccoon Contest is a raccoon, chained to a log, vs. multiple dogs? And people bet on which fierce beast is going to win? Mark Trail isn't pissed off in panel one - he's freakin' confused.

11/13/08
Mark Trail is a master of wit, and is even better at responding to questions. Mr. Rabbit, or whatever his name is, can't believe that Mark's name 's "That's a PET raccoon, and I came to take it home." For one, it's not even grammatically correct, the poor schmuck. For two, there's actually a pet raccoon on the log. Might young Mr. PET Racoon be here to abscond with it? Don't they know what a catch this raccoon is? It came with a collar, for easy chaining!

Nature writers spoil all the fun!

Enough Mark Trail to make your fucking head explode!

2008-11-11T11:32:00.000-05:00

Baby, I know I've been downright despondent when it comes to you. I didn't mean to leave you behind for a few weeks, I swear! Sugar, it'll never happen again.

10/25/08

Drill, baby, drill, says Sue. Environmental responsibility, says Mark. Only you can prevent forest fires, says the PSA Seagull.

If I were Sue, I'd probably hit Mark with a wicked "Always low prices, always" remark, followed by a promise to roll back on already low prices. Instead, she's trying to entice Mark by sitting sexily on a log. Sex does not work on Mark, only animals.

10/26/08

Protip: Cats are Fuckin' Evil

Here, we see that a gaggle of familiars has tricked Mark Trail into speaking directly to them. This has been regarded as a rather cunning plan on the behalf of felines, as they now know that a 32-year old nature writer knows of their dark powers. While they choose to maintain innocence on the strength of Mark's complimenting them, Mark Trail will be one dead motherfucking scratching post when he least expects it.

Cats: Inseparable from witches. FOR human sacrifice. Black. America, we cannot afford to risk our well being on these arrogant, sharp toothed-bastards

10/27/08
Sue is doing her damnedest to lure Mark away from the sanctity of his marriage, but the lure of Cherry's flapjack breakfast remains too strong. Besides that, Cherry knows that her place is in the home, while Sue is some big shot, 19th Amendment-loving, estrogen filled corporate something-or-other.

Still, that desk job sounds mighty tempting, don't in Mark?

10/28/08
I mean, it isn't like you're in any hurry to answer her question. You're clearly 30 pieces of silver away from being a Judas to animals, plants, and Al Gore.

10/29/08
Sue's building, whatever the hell goes in it, will bring jobs and prosperity to an area full of rednecks who trap raccoons and chain them to logs for fun. Somehow, Mark wouldn't call that progress. Somehow, that doesn't offend Sue. For some reason, she'd rather hear about Cherry's flapjacks than convince Leading Nature Writer Mark Trail that this building is for the best.

10/30/08
I hope Charlie continues to speak like he just got off the set of some awful noir-styled B movie. Heck, I hope he keeps popping up in such villainous fashion, too. Imagine...

Later, at Lost Forest:

Mark Trail opens the door to his house. Charlie just so happens to be inside, sitting on a recliner!

Mark Trail: CHARLIE...how did you get in?

Charlie: Your wife...she knows that I'm the one trying to drain your precious wetlands! She also happens to make terrific flapjacks.

Mark Trail: Tell me about it.

Charlie: Furthermore, this dame Sue: Lay offa' here, Trail. We're both gentlemen, yes?

Mark Trail: Sue?

Charlie: A classier broad couldn't be found! Gentleman's agreement, Trail: You cut out of Many Miles Away, leave Sue and the land developing to me, and stay here, nice and quiet in Lost Forest...

Mark Trail: Sue?

Charlie: OR I'LL BLAST YA!

Mark Trail: Yeah, that's fine. Do you know where my wife is? She's usually around with the pipe and slippers by now.

Charlie: Tied up in the bathroom.

Mark Trail: So that's where I left her...

The two men share a chuckle. Mark punches Charlies lights out for kicks.

10/31/08
Charlie may be a heartless lobbyist, but damn it, he's got a crush on you, Sue! Awful taste in furniture and beeches and clothes included! This khaki-clad nature writer comes along and you're all the sudden ready and willing to give it up? You're willing to watch this whole empire, built on drained wetlands and fueled with the blood of hundreds of thousands of animals, crumble in a feeble attempt to woo the most chaste man on the planet? What about Charlie? What about the 'stache? He loves you for who you are, as long as you're not a beach-combing, nature loving hypocrite! What's it gonna be, Sue?

11/01/08
Well, crushing Charlie's masculinity and maintaining your confused status quo is one way of responding to a man's pledge of eternal love...

11/02/08

Protip: Jellyfish are alien invaders hell bent on ruining games of beach blanket bingo!

Not only are jellyfish heartless, soulless things, but as Humanity conquers their homeland, they've turned their attention towards attacking the hapless youth population as they frolic on one of the world's many beaches. Jellyfish are a menace that need to be obliterated. They're 97% water, so their destruction would solve the water crisis.

11/3/08
While Sue slams the door on Charlie's torso, Sneaky the raccoon sneaks out of the house. Boy, if this isn't the most exciting comic strip ever!

11/4/08
Jack Elrod is clearly ridiculing Barack Obama in some sort of racist doublespeak. Look at that raccoon, redistributing the wealth of America's lakes and streams to his mouth!

11/5/08
You might think that this is an obvious plot point in a strip that involves racoon fighting, but you'd be wrong. The Straight Talk express ran out of gas on the way back to Arizona, and without the RNC or McCain-Palin 'o8 paying at the pump, the assembled staffers, media representatives, and Palin children have been forced to trap for their food.

11/6/08
Panel 1 contains what is possibly the greatest sentence ever. It also contains the most grotesque drawing of a raccoon ever, and those things have popped up in Heathcliff.

11/7/08
Panel 2 may be symbolic of Corporate America's anguished yell to people who expect them to innovate in this time of economic crisis. Or it may just be truly awful, cliched dialog. Sue clearly doesn't know how many trees she'd save by switching to paperless billing, or how many fish she'd save if she stopped pouring her old motor oil into rain gutters.

11/8/08
Hell yes, Charlie. You keep talking like a badass. I may yet give you a tag.

11/9/08
The buffalo's status as a protected species has had some unintended consequences. Sure, if you continued to hunt for the big motherfuckers, game in the area would become scarce, but I'd rather have an active, frantic buffalo than one that is barely able to keep itself from distraction.

11/10/08
Sue fails to realize that she's already on the phone with Mark, which is for the best, because it's about time we got down to some serious Raccoon Contest action!

11/11/08
Mark Trail plans on dressing up like a big raccoon and betting on himself.

2008-10-24T10:10:00.002-04:00

Mark somehow already wrote his article about draining the swamp, which was previously only mentioned before being derailed by alligator attacks and Raccoon Shows. Sue is clueless as to why a nature conversationalist would want to conserve nature and wants Mark to explain it to her in more personal terms. That means that she wants to do it on the beach amongst the talking gulls.

2008-10-23T22:58:00.004-04:00

Not only does Sue pump up Mark's infantile ego, she proposes a trip to the beach, promising a scene not seen since the hayday of the Victorian beach party. Sue may not make it though: Mark's sheer radiance is scrambling her face. I shudder to think of the destructive capabilities of a radioactive Mark Trail and can only imagine what the poor creature next to him must be feeling.

Probably a craving for a Baby Ruth.

2008-10-22T22:46:00.000-04:00

Sweet Jesus this is a talky strip. Mark, thinking that all women are succubi, races to the conclusion that Sue wants to bump uglies with Mark, which, as fate would have it, is true. Fate also dictates that at any given time, two people on the internet are Googling for information on each other, so Sue has inevitably seen the Wikipedia article on Mark, and Mark has seen the...uhh...Many Miles Away Post-Gazette Times-Forum article about the Wal-Mart she built six years ago on an Indian burial ground?

Thusly, we are now locked in an arms race. Either Mark knocks Sue's block off with a Right Fist 'O Justice, or Sue gets all Joan Crawford on Mark in her quiet, secluded place in the the forest she's only been in once.

Place your bets.

Super Long Catch-Up Post

2008-10-21T15:48:00.009-04:00

I know, I know. This blog has gone sorely ignored lately. I'm sorry. Schoolwork and politics distracted me from my love of mocking comics. If you don't forgive me, I understand.

While I was away though, things in Many Miles Away have taken a zillion turns for the awesome. While the crocodile has been handily defeated and turned into boots, more problems have manifested that ensure that poor Cherry will be making pancakes for one for the time being. Let's hit the trail...

10/14/08

Hockey Midget really liked Sue, the evil, nefarious woman in charge of the development company that's killing everything around her. That's not a shock - women tend to like other women who like killing everything precious on this earth. Mark likes her too, but in a strictly platonic way. The other kind of like can never be, for that kind of like implies love, and by love I mean love, and love is icky and gross.

8/15/08

But then again, Sue is sooooooooo sexy in her white tank top and pajama pants. It will be hard for Mark to resist her allure. Charlie, whom it obviously sucks to be, is stuck kicking plants in a fury because Sue will not return his love. Then again, their kind of love can never be, mostly because the mustache ride went out of style in '79.

10/16/08
Nothing says "a little fun" like having your dog fight potentially rabid wild animals. Nothing says "town full of inbred hicks" quite like a game of this nature being advertised so blatantly at the local post office.

10/17/08
Those are the best rules for animal vs. animal fighting ever. Dog vs. Raccoon, with the raccoon chained to a log in the river, first animal to drown loses? Sounds like a freakin' spectacle!

Come and watch a wild animal DOOMED to die when a lucky hound dog chosen from the live audience falls off and sends the log rolling! Then, after the show, catch a concert and flaming crossbow demonstration from legendary rocker, Ted Nugent! Tickets are just five bucks!

10/18/08
Why yes Mark, there is a law against that sort of thing, but no less an authority than the United States Post Office is turning a blind eye! They're even advertising and providing books of Forever stamps to the victors!

Pop doesn't know anything about it except for that it happens. If Mark wanted information on the event, he could have just looked at the poster. Or, maybe, Pop is playing ignorant to hide the fact that he's been training Sneaky to be the Riki Tiki Tavi of the Raccoon Contest universe.

10/20/08
Mark Trail is so offended about the Raccoon Contest that he's going to go to it. No worries though, he's only taking $20. Don't want to lose your perfectly pressed, double pocketed khaki shirt over something as stupid as betting on a chained raccoon to drown a dog.

Meanwhile, Mark multitasks on an old IBM Thinkpad. Via the power of Google, he'll have figured out that Sue is the culprit six or seven strips from now!

10/21/08
Sneaky prepares for the Raccoon Contest by humping Andy into submission. Meanwhile, Sue Butler is going to begin her campagin to seduce Mark while Mark limp noodles his way through adulthood. Somewhere in this mess, right fists o' justice will be meted out.

2008-10-13T11:22:00.002-04:00

It couldn't be any more obvious, Mark. That's not an everyday question, and your paths wouldn't cross again otherwise. Just punch her already.

2008-10-11T03:44:00.000-04:00

Mark Trail seriously just tried to James Bond his way into that woman's pantsuit. Sadly, she knows that name, even though it never came up in conversation. Sadly, we're about to endure a week of lecture, wherein this chick will learn the error of her ways and change her mind, It's a Wonderful Life style.

Every time Mark Trail devolves into lecture mode, an Angel gets its wings torn out, shortly before being beaten with a ball bat.

2008-10-10T03:42:00.000-04:00

How cute! That coon is stealing things!

What?

2008-10-09T14:09:00.000-04:00

Judging from the worn out expression on Andy's face, my guess is that he and Sneaky are a bit more than "good friends."

I just hope Mark still thinks it's cute when his best friend gets rabies.

2008-10-08T15:44:00.002-04:00

Yes, Mark, I suppose that having an alligator up your ass would really shake one up, even to the point where they magically grow a mustache, even if the alligator in question was so weak that poking it with a stick made it run away in fear.

Poor Sue doesn't know what's coming at Pop's place.

2008-10-07T21:28:00.002-04:00

What in the hell is a "monster-get," and how in the hell is Mark Trail stopping it with a dead, brittle, dried out branch?

I wonder what snaps first: The branch, or Mark's sense of mercy when Sue lets slip that she's the one draining the wetland.

2008-10-06T19:29:00.002-04:00

I refuse to believe that the same alligator from Friday is the one in panel one. Look at it: She's so cute! She's even smiling!

That one in panel two is totally plausible. It's so fully grown and vicious looking that it can speak in large yellow letters. This alligator, Sue, alerts Mark to the fact that the wetland draining cube dweller has entered the once wet wetland, and oh boy is it on!

My prediction: Alligator/Trail vs. Evil Nefarious Person in a no holds barred handicap match tomorrow through Friday. The alligator will get some good licks in, but the woman's pink suit will prove too much, and it'll be up to Mark (and his fist) to win. Funeral on Saturday, snerts on Sunday, Pancakes with Pop, Hockey Mulleted Seed of Chucky, and Sneaky on Monday.

2008-10-04T23:46:00.004-04:00

My feeble mind cannot wrap itself around this superior plot twist in what was once merely a story about a few puddles and a thieving raccoon.

What was yesterday thought to be Mark Trail ready to deliver a devastating discourse on the dangers of draining dank, damp wetlands turns out to be a big motherfucking ALLIGATOR, and man is that sonofabitch huge! Luckily, our hapless and nefarious business woman wore heels to her land grab and has fallen! There's nary a mustachioed manservant to take the alligator's bite for her!

It's fine though. Afterall, there's a khaki-clad, forever 32 year old young man out there ready to jump into frame to wrestle alligators at a moments notice. What's that you say? He's not available? Where is he? Looking at some lame old geese with some geezer. Oh well...life can't all be fun and-OHSHITHE'SRIGHTBEHINDYOU!

2008-10-03T10:05:00.003-04:00

That wetland may be worthless, but that won't stop ~~the forest animals from pleading for their land~~ Mark Trail from punching your lights out before Sneaky steals your purse.

The Wrath of Charles

2008-10-02T10:14:00.002-04:00

Man oh man, that potted plant totally EATS Charlie's foot. Could this be a vicious counterblow to Charlie's upcoming Right Fist 'O Justice?

Meanwhile, That Woman contemplates the miseries of being a woman in business. First, there's no time to fawn over men with 70's porn mustaches and a penchant for pot kicking. Second...well...that's really it. Woe is her.

Plight of the Migrating Geese

2008-10-01T14:50:00.007-04:00

9/29/08

In an existential crisis, one goose realizes that he has the ability to speak and makes use of his talent to narrate his flock's journey, which will result in his narrating a mildly successful nature film by Kelly Welly called Plight of the Migrating Geese where most of the footage of the geese will be lost in favor of fake horse stampedes and rockslides.

Mark Trail and Pop have no choice but to stand in awe of that miraculous beast.

9/30/08
Dude, that chick is pissed. She has a point though: They own the land. If Pop and co. be squatters on her property, the government would likely be more concerned about removing them than they are about a few thieving raccoons and dead trees.

10/1/08
Charles is a bitch. He just got swaggerjacked on an obscene level.

2008-09-27T13:05:00.002-04:00

So the newspaper has an article about Mark Trail's future Letter to the Editors of The Many Miles Away Times Forum. That's quick turn around, and it answers one important question (If Mark Trail makes a declarative statement in the forest, will a journalist be there to hear it?), but not why your boss had to take her precious time away from applying make-up, baking cookies, and talking to her girlfriends on the phone to look at your stupid newspaper, Charlie.

I hope she gives you a sinister hook o' evil.

2008-09-26T16:10:00.000-04:00

This guy must be the Diet Cherry Chocolate Dr. Pepper of Mark Trail henchmen, because when it comes to meeting his nefarious overlord, he has to wait two hours. TWO HOURS! Worse yet? His boss is a woman. A WOMAN!

Odds are, Mark has his way with this fellow in the span of a panel and doesn't pause to realize that Cherry got herself a job as a secretary at a nature-hating firm.

2008-09-25T23:14:00.003-04:00

I imagine that the press conference Mark calls will go something like this...

Mark Trail:
People of Earth: In this era of rapid economic downturn, where jobs are fleeing the country like Irishmen from potato famine, where financial giants are sinking like ships with iceberg-sized holes, and where Presidential debates are put on hold indefinitely like the day I finally lose my virginity, please, stop and consider the plight of the town of Many Miles Away, specifically as it relates to the drying up of their wetland/grassland areas!

Stop walking away! *ahem* There are people; devious, mustachioed people; who would see our wetlands drained away! Oh, they may have grand intentions, and they may want to build buildings that will house places that will create jobs that will give you money to shop, buy, and provide for your family, but their choice of facial hair clearly indicates that they are evil and are out to destroy our very way of life!

Take, for instance, the plight of poor Pop! The mustache man drained away his water, leaving him with a pathetic puddle! What will happen to him? What will happen to his wife? His granddaughter? His granddaughter's pet raccoon, who stole my wallet, my watch, and my identity?

With a message like that, how could anybody be in favor of the technological terror lying in wait for Many Miles Away?

2008-09-24T10:00:00.002-04:00

It's a mystery of the world: Why oh why would a corporation drain away a wetland/grassland (which one is it, Pop?).

Thanks to the magic of multiple panels, the mystery is solved for us. The man in charge of the project has a mustache, which, in Mark Trail, makes you evil. Evil means that you hate nature. Evil means that you have a "me first, animals dead last" mentality. A mustache means that you've got a problem: An outdoor writer with one hell of a right hook.

Evil corporate stooge: You're next.

2008-09-23T20:24:00.002-04:00

Does "other families" refer to that doe (a deer, a female deer) and her fawn? If so, note the lack of concern on their cute faces. Did you notice? No? That's because they're not concerned, old man.

Sure, Mark may have taken a picture of the last remaining puddle in Many Miles Away, but sir, your wetlands still appear to be wet. Wet and thriving. Look at the green! Look at it! Sure there's dead trees, but that's the wilderness, and things die there.

The facts of life, motherfucker: Do you know them?

2008-09-22T10:08:00.003-04:00

What was previously a storyline about a cute, cuddly, rabid theif who was diverting the water supply for his marijuana patch has become a boring, dry strip about zoning codes and land developers. Things will only be made good if Mark punches a Senator. A U.S. Senator. State ones don't count.

2008-09-20T13:22:00.003-04:00

How adorable! That little girl has taught her pet raccoon to steal things specifically from Mark Trail!

What the fuck kind of pet is a raccoon, anyhow? They have diseases. They go through garbage like Heathcliff goes through garbage. Not a good pet, even if you're stuck in a wetland. Clearly, the grandparents are conspiring to kill Pamela with kindness. A raccoon is just a few steps away from a smallpox infested blanket.

Edit: Upon further review, Pamela looks like a boy with a mullet. Hmmm...

2008-09-19T10:00:00.002-04:00

Panel 1: Rusty is ecstatic. With Mark gone, he gets to eat.

Panel 2: We're reminded for the hundredth time that a wetland is being drained away, but now we know that Many Miles Away is south of Lost Forest.

Panel 3: Mark is an insensitive bastard, pointing out how old Pop is. He went and got his hair dyed and everything. Way to crush the bones in his hand to powder, jerk.

2008-09-18T18:47:00.005-04:00

9/15/08

Those poor animals literally have no water left. None. Like, if those two ducks took a sip from that puddle, there'd be no more water. You'd think that in a circumstance like that, the plants in the surrounding area would be a lot less marsh-y, but then, maybe they're the problem.

Yeah! Those damn plants, sucking up all of our water and CO2, and for what? So that they can go AWOL and take even more water, like some water destroying Audrey II? No! Hell no! Mark...lay waste to those plants with your fists!

9/16/08

Or plot to save them, you fucking traitor. Sure, pod-grandparent seems awfully convincing, what with his promises of animals saved and people grateful, but he consorts with garbage eating coons!

Besides, Mark, what are you going to do...punch through to the water table?

Hmmm...

9/17/08

Mark Trail carries out an entire conversation with himself until Doctor Davis interrupts. As punishment, Doctor Davis will be locked in a small, pink doghouse until Mark returns from his wetland adventure.

9/18/08

Which he's never going to go on because he's suddenly interested in Cherry's feelings. Honestly, Mark, when did you become so soft? Were you going to not go if Cherry minded?

Grow a pair, Mark Trail. The next time I see you, you'd better be dumping Cherry's limp body in the wetlands and finding a place to bury a bloody hatchet.

2008-09-13T13:02:00.002-04:00

With that spit curl and the ability to hear a man's voice just before it reaches the earpiece of his phone (not to mention the Right Fist O' Justice), Mark Trail must be an alter ego of Superman.

If that's the case, I certainly understand why he'd cheat on Lois Lane (a little bit of super sperm goes a long way), but why do it with some frump with a Jerri curl when there's all kinds of extraterrestrial poon that Lois will never hear about?

2008-09-12T09:51:00.001-04:00

Nothing says "respect for wildlife" quite like kicking a raccoon in the ass. On the plus side, they're going to pray to Mark Trail, and he's usually bored enough to respond.

2008-09-11T10:33:00.002-04:00

This new kid is super thick, because the situation was explained to her yesterday. Granted, now it's being explained to her by an old man with a raccoon in his lap, which is exponentially badass, but the draw of the other mentor doesn't account for her stupidity.

Can Mark Trail knock somebody out yet?

2008-09-10T10:02:00.002-04:00

Yes! A whole three months worth of strips dealing with irrigation and death and the depression of small children!

This will end with fists.

2008-09-09T14:25:00.001-04:00

Every time Mark Trail does his job, Bambi dies in the arms of a child from Many Miles Away. Needless to say, Mark enjoys his job.

2008-09-08T10:02:00.003-04:00

Of course Rusty is fine with coming back early. Look at him: gaunt, weary, wafer thin. Mark Trail clearly forgot to feed him. Still, we all learned a valuable lesson. Stay away from Kelly Welly. She's got VD. It's about time Rusty and Mark were taught about the birds and the bees.

Ready to roll.

2008-09-07T19:16:00.002-04:00

Hi. Due to a very busy first few weeks of school, I haven't been around. My own friends tell me that they don't read this, and I'm leery of Google's tracker thing, so I'm not exactly sure if, well, anybody reads this.

In case there are a few trailheads out there though, everything is updated, from here to the post below.

Check them out and tell me what you think. Or tell me to stop. I can take a hint.

2008-09-06T19:15:00.000-04:00

And the story line ends (please tell me it ended) with a few more lines about Kelly sleeping with Mark on camera. Big shock.

Look at that sexy car!

2008-09-05T19:12:00.000-04:00

Really, the nerve of that woman to want to continue to work in such a dangerous environment after an accident that saw nothing happen! She should be in the kitchen this instant, baking forgiveness pies.

2008-09-04T19:09:00.000-04:00

While Cherry and Mark recover from Kelly's deft attempt at second and/or third base, a sentient chess piece lurks, ready to strike.

2008-09-03T19:03:00.000-04:00

Kelly Welly, grateful for her rescue, starts to suck on Mark's face. And I mean she sucks face. Look at that...poor Mark is like a long strand of spaghetti, waiting to be devoured between the lips of a known adulteress. Mark has no idea how to respond, either. Kissing is his Kryptonite! Cherry's mood ring material shirt tells the score though - she's so pissed that it goes from red to blue.

2008-09-02T16:57:00.000-04:00

I thought that the animal to the left in the first panel was a dinosaur for some reason, but, it turns out that it's just a donkey. They gave Moss the slow animal in hopes that their man-generated rock slide would kill him.

2008-09-01T16:54:00.000-04:00

Where in the hell did they get that large, dead tree from? How'd they stick it under those rocks? Mark Trail must be some kind of rugged, virginal wizard.

2008-08-30T16:51:00.000-04:00

Kelly Welly somehow escaped being mauled by the mountain lion. Mark sticks his gun in Cherry's slot, which is dangerous, because it could go off at any second.

2008-08-29T16:49:00.001-04:00

Cherry and Kelly are being mauled alive. It's alright though, because they can still hear.

2008-08-28T16:44:00.000-04:00

Moss and Roger actively plot Kelly and Cherry's death, using big sticks to dislodge the rocks furthest away from the entrance, completely ignoring the two easily movable rocks by the actual entrance. Mark Trail stumbles onto the scene, which means that now they're just gonna have to rescue these chicks and go back to Lost Forest.

Moss, FREAKED out by MARK'S intrusion, YELLS like his MOM caught him MASTURBATING.

2008-08-27T16:43:00.000-04:00

Kelly Welly is about to be mauled by a mountain lion, making for the greatest comic strip moment ever.

2008-08-26T16:40:00.000-04:00

The trauma of being holed up in a cave has finally caught up with Kelly, who has gone blind and delusional. Cherry lets her know the score (the mountain lions are winning), and figures that the best plan of attack is to just surrender, magically producing a surrender stick the likes of which hasn't been seen since the Battle of San Juan Hill.

Of course Roger and Moss can't find the entrance: The cave is blocked because of a landslide, you dolts.

2008-08-25T16:36:00.001-04:00

Moss Green doesn't remember that mountain being there the last time he was in the mountains, and, as such, stumbles upon Kelly Welly and Cherry Trail, who are still yelling like the mountain lions trapped in the cave with them are hard of hearing.

2008-08-23T09:26:00.002-04:00

Cherry Trail, expert on animal behavior, is convinced that pleading with the lion cub will make it go away.

2008-08-22T14:55:00.000-04:00

Nothing says "Mark Trail" quite like a lioness talking in the third person.

2008-08-22T14:49:00.002-04:00

That opening narration box sounds like a summer blockbuster movie trailer.

"In a world where two women are trapped between a lioness and a hard place, one man must save them. Lust. Passion. Bestiality. Two women, torn between the man they both love and the lion who wants to fuck them. Lesbian overtones. Cannibalism. Cute, cuddly lion cubs. Mark Wahlberg is Mark Trail...but is he too late?"

2008-08-20T16:21:00.007-04:00

8/15/08Clearly, Kelly and Cherry will be saved from their grisly fate if their "move back slowly and talk very loudly" strategy pays off.

8/16/08
Doc Davis is worried about his daughter, sure, but he really wants to know where the hell his horse is. They weren't to be let free from his "Imagination Station," where his "experiments" take place. He can find another woman, but without the horse, his hybrid breeding experiments are in peril.

8/18/08
Mark and Doc Davis talk like real people, and Roger just now notices that his boss and Cherry are gone. Where the hell was he this whole time?

8/19/08
Moss Green really doesn't want to check up on the women.

8/20/08
Mark Trail, surprisingly enough, is concerned about his wife.

Chicago

2008-08-14T13:44:00.001-04:00

I'll be in Chicago this weekend, so there won't be anything new until Tuesday.

2008-08-14T13:04:00.001-04:00

Cherry and Kelly had better strike a friendship with those cubs fast, because there's no chance that they can light the lioness on fire with a match, a dry stick, or even fire breath.

Mark Trail of Tears

2008-08-13T09:40:00.015-04:00

It's been two weeks since an update. Two weeks. I'm kicking myself for being lazy, but I had no internet in New York and no real desire to blog right afterward. Now I get to run through all of the Mark Trail I've missed in the last two weeks, because I'm a swell kinda guy...the kinda swell that mocks American Indians, I guess.

8/1/08

Mark was just commenting on how stupid his wife, Kelly, and all women are when, out of freakin' nowhere, a horse appears. Mark can't believe it, so he goes to investigate with his skillet of bacon, which doubles as a dandy murder weapon in case the horse is really a monster.

8/2/08

Mark is woefully in the dark about the events of the past few months, because all he's going to find at home is an angry old man drinking beer with a shotgun on his lap, sweating about the fate of his daughter.

8/4/08

A recap, then Moss Green admitting that he's not fast enough to keep up with Kelly. Big shock. Panel three is awesome though, this totally dejected look like Moss and Kelly slept together but he couldn't get the job done, so, as soon as he was asleep, she was gone.

8/5/08

The wind is getting stronger. The horse thinks that the rocks could be dangerous. Kelly's horse has been tied to a huge chain of sasuage links. This means one thing: Kelly is climbing higher.

8/6/08

The valley below the mountain is of the opinion that it is safer down there.

8/7/08

Kelly and Cherry are pretty much fucked, while the lion leads her cubs to shelter. Perhaps the two parties will join together in a bid for survival, with each learning about the other as their struggle goes on?

8/8/08

That's what she said.

8/9/08

The rock slide found Cherry and Kelly's hiding place just in time. Now all they've got to do is block them inside and seal them away from society forever!

8/11/08

There's plenty of space to crawl between, and hell, some of those rocks look easy to push out of the way. Kelly just doesn't feel like putting any effort into her rescue.

8/12/08

The mountain hopes that it didn't kill the horses. Kelly points out that they won't know unless the mountain frees them from its cave.

8/13/08
Moss Green is getting stoned rather than looking for Cherry and Kelly. I like how "Buck" Roger is pretty much an afterthought, even though he's Kelly's right hand man.

New York

2008-08-02T10:33:00.001-04:00

I am in New York for the next week. Updates will be sporadic. Check the blogs on the sidebar for more comic-type stuff.

-Paul

2008-07-31T10:40:00.003-04:00

Both Cherry and Kelly wish that Mark were with them, because nothing says "good times" quite like a sexually repressed 32 year old man with huge hands, an affinity for punching things that scare/anger him, and a fear of genitals.

Still, everybody there is a whimp because they refuse to be mauled to death by a lion, a moose, or a chipmunk. Moss looks ~~non-plussed~~drunk as Kelly declares her intent to take a picture of the valley, which is a sure prelude to her committing suicide/being pushed off the edge by a friendly bear.

2008-07-30T09:46:00.003-04:00

I would make some sort of "Buck Rogers" joke or point out how Cherry never actually stipulated a damn thing to Ms. Welly, or that Kelly is second best to Mark himself because they're the only two photographers in the strip, but I can't because Kelly's hotness is blinding me in panel two.

Those uneven eyebrows, that third, counterclockwise "~" brow, the slight mustache, and the haircut that my high school science teacher had, not to mention the ascot and her loose ways...she may be to risky for Buck Roger, but I'm all hers.

2008-07-29T09:27:00.003-04:00

Kelly's evil plan to take a lot of pictures of wild animals eating human food is crumbling. Her vagina and ascot doesn't have the same pull that it used to, because Moss Green works for Cherry, and Cherry alone. As for Cherry? She's been pissed since Thursday, when she discovered that Kelly was feeding her bacon to a mountain lion. The fact that the lion jumped at her may also lend to her frustration with Kelly, and hell, Kelly's vag probably had no pull over Cherry to begin with...she's likely never seen one.

That leaves Roger. Sweet, duffle bag hefting Roger, who loves animals. He is working for Kelly, and for money, so he very likely has no choice in the matter. Kelly wants to take lots of pictures goddamn it, and Roger is going to be forced into staying untill the bitter end - likely at the jaws of one of the creatures Kelly is shooting.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

2008-07-28T12:13:00.000-04:00

Kelly Welly will be damned if that slab of bacon goes to waste.

2008-07-24T09:49:00.000-04:00

According to Moss, all animals are old. However, the lion's advanced age seems to have given it the ability to speak and think rationally, because its plan is working.

2008-07-23T10:02:00.002-04:00

The "food chest" being open can only mean one thing, and it's not that Moss Green is stoned and wants a snack, or that Kelly wants to make a delicious breakfast for her campmates, oh no. It means that the nature photographer is out there taking pictures of nature stalking man's food, because a lion eating a slab of bacon is a compelling picture.

2008-07-22T12:20:00.002-04:00

In the campground, the nearby campground
the lion stalks tonight.
It smells bacon, delicious bacon
the lion stalks tonight.
Cherry's got questions, poorly punctuated questions
the lion stalks tonight.
Curse that Kelly, decietful Welly
the lion stalks tonight.
She's got bacon, that off-tan bacon
the lion stalks tonight.
She just wants pictures, the lion's picture
but it just wants a bite.

2008-07-21T09:17:00.003-04:00

There's absolutely nothing more impressive than pictures of an animal eating intentionally placed human food. Kelly will win the award for best nature photographer without question.

2008-07-19T11:49:00.002-04:00

Kelly Welly fiendishly intends to make breakfast!

2008-07-17T11:33:00.003-04:00

The ascot must be tied a little too tight around Kelly's neck, because she only got one picture of the moose chasing Roger. However, it was fabulous! Cherry points out how fucking stupid Kelly is, which gets a false reply, since a horse was hurt, Moss Green wound up on his ass, and Roger was nearly killed.

One measly photograph. Look at that camera...I'm surprised she got one at all.

2008-07-16T09:54:00.003-04:00

Roger is seconds away from being pounced upon by a rampaging old moose when Cherry finally thinks to shoot her gun into the air. The sheer improbability of a woman firing a gun causes it to make the wrong noise (bullets go "bang, bang;" fists go "wham"), which then rips a minor hole in the space time continuum. The result of this hole is three fold: Roger teleported to the other side of the pond, the moose is having a heart attack, and Mark is waiting for The Dark Knight to start, flanked by hot bitches.

2008-07-15T09:25:00.001-04:00

Cherry has a gun! She probably doesn't know how to use it! This time tomorrow...Roger will likely be dead.

Kelly will likely reanimate him as her zombie slave.

2008-07-14T10:15:00.003-04:00

Absolutely nothing in last week's strips indicated that the moose Roger is crazily waving his denim jacket (HOW KEWL!!) at is "old." It doesn't have a grey beard, a cane, some needlework, or old war stories...it's just drinking water. Roger the Beak-eared gets what's coming to him then, when the "old" moose closes the distance between her and him instantly as the plot needs it.

The moose also happens to be a kind of reverse Kool-Aid Man. It could have ran away from Roger yelling "OH YEAH," much like KAM yells when he bursts through walls with pitchers full of his precious bodily fluids, but instead it runs toward Roger yelling "OH NO!" A moose this culturally in tune can't possibly be old.

2008-07-12T07:39:00.004-04:00

Roger is afraid of the moose, but that won't stop him from waving a giant paper airplane his way, not so long as Kelly Welly is unmanning him in front of other men, sexual partners, and beavers.

My guess is that, come Monday, we're going to have a drastic moose vs. beaver battle.

2008-07-11T17:22:00.001-04:00

Kelly Welly knows how dangerous moose tend to be, even pygmy-sized moose, and she wants none of the rape that's coming to whoever disturbs it. However, one must take risks in the animal photography biz, so off Roger goes to his pussywhipped death.

2008-07-10T09:44:00.003-04:00

That thing from yesterday is, apparently, a moose. Rocky isn't around to confirm, so I'm going to have to assume that Jack Elrod is on crack. Tomorrow, Kelly will throw firecrackers at the moose, which will somehow start a wildebeast stampede that'll kill ~~Mufasa~~Moss Green, but she'll drop her camera and it'll be all for naught. Part of me wishes that this were winter so that Kelly's bold declaration of "LOOK, A MOOSE!" was met with something more than disaproving looks...namely a 100 ton torrent of white, crushing snow. Take pictures of that, you awful bitch.

2008-07-09T09:51:00.003-04:00

Kelly unsucessfully attempts to bribe the now clean shaven Moss Green with the promise of a "big bonus," which is, no doubt, her vagina. Moss, who is now sober enough to shave, realizes that without beer goggles, Kelly looks like the sort of chick who was tied up in a burlap bag and thrown to the mountain lions.

Speaking of mountain lions, why are they the only animal Kelly wants to get a picture of? Are they the only animal? I understand wanting a picture of a horse bucking a bum off its back, but really, you've seen one Ranger Rick mountain lion cover, you've seen them all. Kelly is missing out on so many other great animals, that camel/bear hybrid in the lake for example, that I'm beginning to doubt her skills as a photographer or a person with eyesight.

2008-07-08T12:57:00.003-04:00

Gah! Mark Trail! In his own strip! Extolling patience during this extremely long, drawn out, boring storyline! Mark! Don't leave! Punch Rusty, punch the dog, just please, please don't leave.

Also: Why is Roger such a fucking bitch?

2008-07-07T06:47:00.004-04:00

7/5/08

What looked like an awful, boring strip on Saturday is secretly an awful, boring strip...with foreshadowing!

7/7/08

Moss Green needs a bit more liquid courage before he's willing to take pictures of the regal mountain lion, a beast so mysterious and strange that Kelly Welly is excited to hear of its existance on a mountain.

2008-07-04T12:51:00.002-04:00

I suspect that it will be Kelly Welly receiving the Right Fist 'O Justice by the end of this arc. Between her awful grammar and threats and unruly eyebrows, she's just begging for a beatdown. Methinks that the line in the sand will be drawn when Kelly shoots Moss Green's horse out from under him, pours a bottle of vodka down his throat, and takes pictures of Moss the drunken Caucasian American Indian.

2008-07-03T12:41:00.001-04:00

Everybody is about to be crushed by that huge...uhh...thing, so I highly doubt that the horses fracture matters, Moss.

2008-07-02T12:15:00.001-04:00

Kelly's filming in panel two leads me to believe that Roger is standing somewhere off-panel with a boombox playing some slow 70's grooves. Moss is more into the hooch than whatever pie Cherry might be serving, so it's a no go on the porn front.

2008-07-01T09:34:00.003-04:00

I bet that Kelly blames Moss Green's fall on firewater. He certainly looks like a drunk. It'll go like this:

Kelly Welly: Have you been having a drinkie, my little Native American guidesman?

Roger: Tee-hee!

Cherry Trail: What an awful sterotype!

(Cherry goes back to fixing dinner.)

Moss Green: Fuck you. Fuck the three of you. I'm white! I didn't ask to be called Moss, it just happened, you know? It's no better or worse than "Cherry" or "Roger without a last name" or "Kelly Welly."

Kelly Welly: I like my name!

(A shot of a big horned elk)

Big Horned Elk: Your name is fucking stupid.

(Kelly begins to cry like a woman, which suits her character because she's a woman.)

Moss Green: I'm out of here. You people don't pay me enough to put up with this shit.

(Cherry looks up from her dinner.)

Cherry Trail: Hmm? What will you do?

Moss Green: Buy me a handle of hooch and hope that you assholes die. Have a great one.

(Cherry goes back to making dinner.)

Kelly Welly: Can I help with that?

Cherry Trail: Sure, then we can both have Roger's baby.

Then would follow a month long storyline about the merits of adultery. Cherry is a woman and Roger is a man and Mark is way out in the forest somewhere and what with all those eggs going to waste, it just seems proper, you know?

2008-06-30T09:48:00.003-04:00

1. Kelly Welly is a massive bitch.
2. Roger is fucking pussywhipped.
3. Moss Green will likely leave them in the mountains to die.

It took forever to get here, and all we get is some hippie/cowboy thrown from a horse. Didn't she want to photograph wild animals? Don't people already know what it looks like when a person gets thrown off a horse? Shouldn't this be where the porn starts? Bah! I want answers!

2008-06-28T11:10:00.002-04:00

In case you forgot yesterday's strip (and how could you!), there's a helpful narration box to let us know that Kelly has decided to be useful and act her gender. Yeah, put those plates away while Moss and Randy stand around...there's enough bullshit to feed a small African tribe, and we'll be here all weekend.

Speaking of Moss, why doesn't he have hips? Like...no hips. Period. It's like he's made of straw or something, so his belt ties it up all tight at the waist.

Roger, like the rest of us, wonders exactly what is so exciting about putting away the plates.

2008-06-27T09:08:00.003-04:00

Things are most certainly not safe. Somebody, Kelly or Cherry, is on their period, which spells bad times for our merry band, as the talking bear in panel two has one thing in mind: the delicious taste of woman flesh.

I'm sure that Kelly will be spared by the bear upon discovering that she's really only half-woman. She's not much of a cook? What the fuck kind of female is that? Half of one. If you're not good in the kitchen, you don't taste good to bears.

2008-06-26T08:44:00.003-04:00

To be honest, Kelly, it really isn't interesting in the slightest. What's more interesting is that the horse looks like one of those kids from Pinocchio that gets turned into a donkey for general douchebaggery. What's interesting is that you're a fucking nature photographer who doesn't understand animal behavior. What's interesting is that wary look in your eyes that says that Moss and Roger are getting a bit...rapey.

2008-06-25T09:24:00.003-04:00

Roger's mustache is at full blown pornography level, so I imagine that Kelly is really ready to shoot her film or take her pictures or whatever the hell she's doing (make up your mind, woman!). God stops by to tell us how unpredictable mountain storms are, which is false, because Cherry Trail predicted the freakin' storm yesterday. I'm sure that, when God realizes He was made a fool by a woman, Lost Forest will be flooded as a punishment. Cherry, being as high as she is in the mountains (possibly in the ozone layer), will be safe, but it will be too late for Doc Davis and the animals that are very important to his work.

Cherry realizes that horses don't like storms, and we get our first close look at Moss Green: holy shit! Look at that beard! It looks like one of those Cracker Barrel toys where the guy's face is magnitized and there's a bunch of metal shavings that represent a beard. This can only mean one thing: Moss Green is a man of unspeakable evil.

Mark Trail 2-in-1

2008-06-24T09:37:00.004-04:00

6/23/08

In High Country, you see the exact same animals as you would at Lost Forest, making the trip totally pointless. There also appears to be a storm brewing, and Moss Green, being ~~Native American~~ white as fuck, uses his superior guiding skills to determine that they should set up camp somewhere, ignoring the massive forest fire raging around them.

Forest fire is the only possible explaination for the white smoke. Those are not clouds. I refuse to believe that the mountain behind Lost Forest is a mountain, much less a mountain that reaches beyond clouds. Even if the "mountain" behind Lost Forest was a mountain and was a mountain that pierced the strata, I'd refuse to believe that Cherry and Kelly could climb it without dying from exhaustion/thin air, though seeing Roger and Moss Green gather around them to pay their last respects ("Ha ha! That is what you get for having a vagina on a mountain!") would be somewhat fantastic.

6/24/08

Kelly has also ignored the huge forest fire, which has now given way to black night. She also seems to have not seen The Happening, which revealed that trees are bastards, releasing neurotoxins into the air when the wind blows a little bit. The group's only chance of survival this night is to stay alert for a strong gust and then outrunning the wind.

Oh, and if there's a lot of lightning, some trees might fall. Whatever. The other reason is more interesting.

Kick a gift horse

2008-06-21T12:47:00.003-04:00

Moss Green is about the worst name for somebody ever. He doesn't look Native American, so I'm guessing that he's just some crusty hippie Cherry found at a music festival who is going to be payed in peyote or some such hallucinogenic.

Kelly is having hormonal problems, as she flips from excited to apprehensive to horny in the span of three seconds. I don't blame her for being worried though, because if Cherry's idea of getting ready for a trip to the mountains is kicking a horse in the side, who knows what other "expertise" Mark has passed on to her?

2008-06-20T10:33:00.002-04:00

The agreement was that Kelly could shoot a nature film of animals locked in cages at Lost Forrest, not that Kelly could drag the good Doctor Davis and Cherry Trail out into the mountains. Nevertheless, Cherry wants to prove that she too can walk on narrow trails, kick rocks to the side, and identify dangerous animals like the beaver/Jabba the Hutt hybrid in panel two.

Godspeed.

Stop me if you've heard this one before...

2008-06-19T09:33:00.004-04:00

Absolutely nothing goes on in today's strip, other than another subtle jab at women. "Oh! Packing bags and preparing food sounds like a bucket of fun!" I hope Kelly is appeased with Cherry's offering: A bowl of ice.

There is a rather amusing visual gag in panel two: A bison, a billy goat, and a polar bear walk into a bar. The bison and the billy goat slip a mickey into the bear's drink, and a few months later, out pops the monstrosity above.

Rape: It's only funny in the animal kingdom.

Cursed Welly!

2008-06-18T09:25:00.002-04:00

Turns out that Dr. Davis really does fancy himself an old, puckered Victor Von Doom. Kelly, not being a female, puckered Reed Richards, fails to see that the old man is clearly sending her off to die in the mountains like a deformed Spartan child, because she thinks that it's a FANTASTIC idea. Meanwhile, we see that deer and moose go together much like ebony and ivory, living in perfect harmony, like the keys on my piano. This is heartwarming, but after three strips of Kelly in the mountains, she'll wind up pissing off a moose or something and Mark will have to show up and give it a right fist to save her ass, and then we'll be off to a different, more exciting, less pornographic storyline.

Some Action Shots

2008-06-17T09:17:00.003-04:00

Doc Davis hasn't been paying attention for the last week, so he has absolutely no clue what Kelly Welly is up to. He thought she just didn't like the arrangement of his living room, but now she's got a video camera and Roger is naked and...oh sweet Lord! She's taken the does (the deer, the female deer) out of their pen for "action shots!"

Doctor Davis also appears to be a Doctor in much the same sense that Doctor Doom is, keeping animals that should rightfully be running wind around Lost Forrest hoping to be panel two's featured animal in easily escapable situations (those deer could have easily jumped the fence) until he's ready to preform sinister experiments on them. Kelly Welly, as their liberator, has just signed her death warrant in animal blood. I fully expect Doc Davis to don a metal mask, clench his fists, and scream "CURSED WELLY!" by the end of this storyline.

What reputation is that?

2008-06-16T09:17:00.002-04:00

Cherry continues to talk to Roger over her massive bowl of ice. Roger's 'stache continues to flesh itself out to full evil henchman/70's pornstar consistancy, and a turtle appears to clue us in as to the pace of this storyline (tomorrow: a glacier).

Even though Kelly is right in the next room, probably harrassing Doc Davis about his lifestyle, Roger and Cherry talk loudly (it's all exclaimation point-y) about how much Kelly sucks in comparison to Mark, who is the best there is at nature photo journalism and socking assholes on the jaw. Kelly can't hope to compete with that fairly, because she's a woman, so she's just jealous of Mark, which is natural, because women are known to be jealous of men just because they've got a penis and more money.

The last panel aludes to Kelly Welly being a whore, sleeping around with things to get more publicity. She does, after all, have a reputation.

Protip: Swordfish have lasers on top of their heads.

2008-06-15T10:07:00.003-04:00

Attention would-be world dominators! Looking for a terrifying animal that you can throw your arch rival to when the battle is easily winnable via gunshot to the head? Looking for an animal that savagely strikes anything in it's range instead of spearing it's prey? Look no further than the majestic swordfish! It comes pre-equipped with "special organs" (PeTA doesn't like it when we say "laser beams") that heat the water as it kills, making it a culinary master of disaster! It cooks, it swims, it deals death!! What more could an aspiring dictator want from his oceans?

Order today!

Porn ready?

2008-06-14T20:40:00.004-04:00

From now until three weeks from now, we'll be subject to Kelly Welly's sinister feng shui home decorum stylings, which is scary to Doc Davis because he can't pronounce "feng shui" and nearly lost an eye to the man in black pajamas back in 'Nam, so he hates the Asians and how they arrange their furniture.

Cherry reminds her dad that they're powerless to Kelly's tyrannic whims because she's paying, so the mattress chair thing is auf'd to Doc Davis's disdain. Powerless to a woman?!? That kind of humiliation isn't worth all the money in the world.

Cherry's despair is lessened a bit, maybe, by Roger. I think his name is Roger. He has a pencil thin mustache, so he's not quite porn-ready, but Cherry's Jew-fro wasn't exactly made for the screen, either. Cherry whips up a delicious batch of ice for the film crew and reminds us that Mark already told her how stupid Cherry was for inviting Kelly into their home. Mark, by virtue of having a penis, is automatically correct.

Friday the 13th

2008-06-13T10:16:00.005-04:00

It looks like some kind of unspeakable, evil horror has been visited upon Doc Davis since yesterday, when really, all that is happening is Kelly Welly suggesting that Lost Forrest be spruced up to look more modern. It's essential that pornography look modern, because otherwise it'd be impossible to buy the rugged, ancient veterinarian bringing his "lovely" assistant home and showing her a good time unless it were happening in a modern setting, like a cabin in the middle of a lost forest that has some plush couches, maybe a bear skin rug, and a lava lamp.

The thought of coming out of the 1950's is terrifying for the Davis crew. Cherry, I must say, is doing a spectacular job of handing things by herself, in that she's silent and off to the side while Kelly conducts business with the man of the house.

Talking trees

2008-06-12T09:45:00.002-04:00

I don't like where this is going. I'm all for a little bit of filmed girl on girl, even if it's essentialy GILF porn, and I'm not opposed to Cherry's dad getting in on the action, even if it's incestuous and turns the movie into BPILF porn (that's Biblical Person I'd Like to Fuck. Dibs on the Whore of Babylon). What irks me is that Kelly Welly has next to zero creativity about all this.

A scientist porn? Really? So Doc Davis (who is a vet, which, while called "science," doesn't count) will be looking at a beaker when Cherry comes in and starts going down on him? They'd better buck the trend usually established by the science porn and shout things of a sciency nature. "Oh yeah, Cherry. Suck my string theory." That line would work, because a fameous person once said that sex when old is like shooting pool with a rope, and a rope is like a bunch of strings (only not), and one of the two women is loose enough to fit a pool ball in her vagina (I'm guessing Kelly).

The only thing that can save this flick is if the Ent with multiple personality disorder gets a crack.

Brace Yourself

2008-06-11T10:00:00.002-04:00

Based on Rusty's inability to call Mark Trail "Dad," I'm guessing that their love isn't so much father/son as it is ancient-rich-Grecian/his-youthful-charge, only Mark doesn't have anything particularly knowledgeable to impart, so they're both pretty much in it for the sex. Rusty used to be an addict, so that kind of thing never mattered to him.

Still, Mark wishes that Cherry would have come along with them, because they need a camp cook, and because his dog Andy won't have somebody to keep him warm at night.

Back at Lost Forrest, Kelly Welly has just driven up, causing Cherry to make a face that's straight out Hitchcock. There's nothing particularly scary about Kelly Welly though, so it's either female hysteria or cocaine.

2008-06-10T09:56:00.004-04:00

I suppose that Cherry Trail is considered by both husband and father to be the ditzy, stupid type who shouldn't even be trusted to just sit around and shoot the shit with a fellow nature lover.

I see Mark and Cherry's dad's point though: Kelly Welly is a free, liberated woman, and inviting one of those into the house will cause a sort of domino effect. First, Cherry's innocence will be stolen, then her sense of decency, then her virginity, and the next thing you know, she'll want to have sex with Mark, which will likely be the end of the relationship.

Kelly Welly is thusly some sort of Crimson Menace, not unlike the menstrual cycle, which is obvious from Cherry's bitchy demeanor whenever she is brought up. Still though, while we were looking at a picture of pretty deer, Cherry's dad must have ~~talked~~smacked some sense into his daughter. By panel three, she's back where she belongs: In the kitchen, cooking.

The Terror of Kelly Welly

2008-06-09T10:05:00.004-04:00

For those of you not up on your Mark Trail, the current storyline involves Mark taking his youthful charge Rusty out on a camping trip, but complications appear to be rising, as Mark's wife Cherry has invited free wheelin' 'tang Kelly Welly along to take pictures, which creeps mark out, because her name is really Kelly Welly and he would rather punch the hell out of dog nappers than have sex with anybody, wife included.

It would also appear that Kelly talked Cherry into some explicit filmed action outside the parameters of taking pictures of the animals. Perhaps tasteful adult postcards. For no reason at all, we switch to an outside view where two birds appear to be carrying on Mark and Cherry's conversation (I really like the name "Cherry Trail"), where Cherry demands to take care of the situation herself.

Cherry would, in summation, like be molested on film by her rival for Mark's affections (or something like that), so that Mark can "have fun" with his adopted son.

The name "Rusty Trail" is just gross.

Protip: Bears can smell menstruation.

2008-06-08T23:54:00.000-04:00

The creators of Mark Trail don't believe that Alaska is part of North America despite it being connected to Canada. Alaska's Grizzlies outnumber ours by at least 28,000 due to hoarding, but that isn't very important in the context of the rest of the strip.

Brown bears are much more common in the real world, and it is a few of these that Mark encounters on the trail. Recognizing that he is encroaching on their natural habitat, Mark runs, which, as we all know, is the smartest possible thing to do in the event that you see a fucking bear.

With a running start, he leaps into a tree, but onto a branch that the bear could easily reach. It is suggested that we sing, talk loudly, or wear a bell to advertise our presance, but Mark has done a good enough job of that by just being silent. Seriously...why do I want a bear to know where I am?

Mark Trail is, thusly, one of three things: A free meal, less one hat, or about to knock that bear out with a single blow.